After I in high school with so many great people was allowed to make acquaintance, I have laughed at my Grandmother just whenever she repeated her mantra: True friends are not the only thing left to get people with a little luck, is his family. Because friends can let you down, they may be drawn from the responsibility.
I saw myself as living proof of the falsity of their testimony, for I never forget people. I am constantly reached out to people when I saw them badly. Ahbe I always asked and I was there when you needed me. I would never miss my love for people to imagine something for her birthday. To me it is fun for others to be there. And I fight for people are important to me, no matter what I do to be or who should I ask myself. Yes, I love to make others happy, give them nice things and my time to take care of them.
came earlier this year I returned and I expected the cold by some people. We all know why, so far so good. They set in, large-scale than expected, but I accepted it. I still tried to be nice and friendly, I was careful not to fall into old patterns and I impose none.
It all seemed to be OK until I noticed that I am alone in my class. Until I noticed that the empty seats to my right and left remained, no matter where I sat. This was preceded by a week so I tried to sit next to me ostentatiously others. I harvested dirty looks, it even happened that some people changed the place. After a time, and after much more aggressive on my part Platzsucherei infantille heard on this game and I was back here and there a Gespändli next to me. But still I ate alone, still I was forgotten in everyday walk to the train station / at Migros. And always the one who had to ask ichwar. Because no one had need to ask for my presence. In my head it had to be started to get dark before the summer, but these rejections, it could quickly gloomy, it was about 19.30 clock. Then
was our graduation trip to Berlin, I was the opposite-added set-not just positive, as we had planned everything so complicated ver / that there really was no longer beautiful. But I've been through good, I've taken pains not to grumble and to be nice. Just once, I burst into my bitter bitter tears. I was homecoming came, tired and sensitive. Your drunk girls waiting in our room it smelled so bad of alcohol that I came up as I entered. It is not already collected, of course, was one of you stumbled over some bottles on the ground towards me and pushed me a bottle in his mouth. Again, it seemed high and I would furiously and fought me my Way to the bed free and I lay down. Of course I was there the spoilsport. Of course. All the pain of cuts, which I do not see, came up to me. I had it so hard to be good is a close association I have endured, I was calm about the whole week. But then I collapsed again. I do not know what I did in the holidays. I was so tired and sluggish, crumble my bones seemed to want, when I tried to breathe deeply. And I looked at the clock it was 21.15.
The thick black tar began to flow through my guts, I saw all all attempts failed to be there somewhere. At this time there were about two people who asked me freely, whether I do something with them would. I was excited and said to whenever I had time and sturdy enough. My thoughts were darker from night to night, I cried myself to sleep, ate too much or nothing. I tried to send my signals, I whispered for help. But I began to feel ashamed of myself, I saw the trouble I was preparing my fellow man so that I asked for their time. I looked into her eyes when I asked if they wanted to do something or just get together should have lunch and I saw little, for excuses and ways out searching eyes. Then they shrugged and said it wüsse not, but rather not, because the little eyes very often very successful reasons found out why the answer was no. At this time began my Kries, I came home, numb with fear, for I knew that every night could happen again. A sad song, a shady corner of my room, one bite and the taste in my mouth, all I could bring down everything could drive me to the bathroom. On the ground, rocking her back udn screamed and bit and I cried in my own flesh. I could not concentrate more and nothing brought me back to reality, not even then, if such tests as queuing or if I had to do something else important. From then on I tried not going home, not to return to the silence of our white walls, I gave my best to break the circle. But where should I ever go? No one invited me spontaneously after school and I myself was tired of asking.
I started noticing that I was viewed at an angle. Yes, I can be very mean if I feel bad. And believe me, I was sorry. But what counted as time in which I tried, trembling like a newborn doe me your warm hug to planks? Do you remember how you guys are gone? And I was looking round for a companion, to whom I could hug me, but nobody wanted to leave me. Then, of course, I was angry and evil. I started to bite on. But now there were bright moments in which tried to be nice and courteous and was helped and made, and even laughed - just for you. But that did not count. For you are all one better and have something more important to do.
I tried my shabby facade to maintain, continue. But behind I started the pounding in my head to enjoy more and more, if this muffled against walls, sofas and floors struck.
At the time around my birthday, I began to understand that I committed against no one feels that no one thinks he would owe me something. I realized that nobody was to be as good friends with me that he would have needed to spend time with me to be there, to be there. I was the Alki because I wanted to have on my eighteenth (!) something fun, I was cocky, because I wish we could be left out, as we always were. I must have been common, because I resented you, as you have been watching me from afar all, as I tried to have some joy and failed.
And from then on I became a psychopath, for Sozipathen if you will.
Yes, I'm probably your fault, because after my Clock on my birthday so suddenly capsized from 22:45 to 23:55, I found out everything. I wanted to wallow in my pain me, I wanted hats every anchor that kept me in this life. And they took me sick. The blasphemous land flourished. They are always in a bad mood! Oh, if only that were ..
I was lonely and isolated. And the excuses for non invitations were really uncreative. Oh, we forgot, oh well you have it not only heard, oh we will not get you thinking eh, oh, we have agreed on Facebook and you've got none.
But where were you after 21 damn clock? Who of you saw me in the eye and asked about my feelings? Those who took time for my little battered soul? Who called on you to do without something? If any of you could share some me? Who was nice to be asked without it? You know maybe I have not even needed help, no really. Dennw he can always help me, but I know for themselves what kind of a burden. But I would have needed someone who is there. Someone who first reported, just like that, just because I deserved it. Just like that. But nobody did.
And you make me so very long to keep the pieces in the hands that once formed bridges between us. And I was so desperate that I do with all the love I had in me pushed me and pushed and pushed. Until my poor body was completely blended and I ponds around me filled with pale red blood.
And now I know nciht know what I should not have in me. My head seems to hold nothing more impressive, as loneliness, fear and pain. Therefore, I can not run after you. I have no strength to be the good person anymore. I'm so far down driven, that I no longer recognize the shore. And the next section will therefore be final for you. I want to get away from our past, which seems like eien exaggerated utopia and I want to get away from you, for you to heal just shards in my hands to prevent the wounds it.
And I will not hear what I had everywhere for help! Of course, all of you panic you had when I send quite desperate to 11:55 began warning signs, of course, did you panic that my blood could stick to you. But given; where you were before? Did I help only earned if I have already put the knife in my veins? If I want a half-hearted "suicide attempt" to start, only to scream a little too loud for help? And put all in a panic? And hurt? And threaten everything and everyone. I'm sorry, but I actually think something stupid. And to be honest, there are just certain people that I feel obliged why I'm still here. Do you remember how traumatic it was when Daryl killed himself? I may well be harsh, but do you think I wanted to do to you this pain? I myself am suffering today from the fact that she went from us, I still see her deathly pale mouth and the blue Patches around her neck.
But now it has become colder under my ribs, and if only I had the courage, I would yell at you and I would say here that if I were to die tomorrow, I hope that you feel guilty and I hope that it hurts you as hard as you have hurt me. And when I'm gone, will the same be stabbed for you, as they were for me when no one was there for me.
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